Life’s Hardest Pills to Swallow

As I’ve went through life and experienced different setbacks, I have come across what I call some of life’s hardest pills to swallow, which are the harsh truths of life that kind of contradict everything that we have been told at a young age. 

When we were kids, we were taught several important lessons. And these lessons can range from always chew with your mouth closed to the mantra of “sharing is caring.” Our minds are filled to the brim of different wisdoms that cause for us to cultivate some sort of expectation about how life should work. We learn that if we say sorry, then we will be forgiven. We are taught that if we treat people with kindness, then people will be kind in return. And, if we love someone, then they will definitely love us back.

But, as we grow older and gain more experiences, we learn that this bits of wisdoms are not as rigidly true as they are made out to be. Life cannot be contained into following the path that you want it to. People aren’t going to act the way you expect them to. And these facts can lead to you facing some realizations that you weren’t ever really prepared for.

As I’ve went through life and experienced different setbacks, I have come across what I call some of life’s hardest pills to swallow, which are the harsh truths of life that kind of contradict everything that we have been told at a young age.

Sometimes People Are Just Not Going to Like You

This was extremely difficult for me to accept because I am the definition of a people pleaser. I have this unyielding desire for everyone I meet to like me. I want everyone to smile when they think of me and only ponder over my good qualities. But life isn’t like that. There have been several people who disliked me from my first impression due to my terrible case of RBF and I was able to rationalize that they just haven’t gotten the chance to know the real me. But even after people have seen my real personality, I have had people who just didn’t like me and there was nothing I could do to change that.

And, at first, I couldn’t stand it. I wanted people to like me so badly that it wounded me when somebody did not. I would spend all of my energy trying to convince these people that I was worth their time and that I had qualities that I felt they would enjoy. And the only result of that was me wasting my time on people who completely lacked interest.

So, I decided to invest my time in people who actually cared for me then those who did not. It is so much more beneficial to the care of your deep friendships rather than sacrifice them because you’re so busy trying to impress those who don’t even care. Instead of obsessing over what was wrong with me, I started to see the qualities of myself that the ones close to me adore and I continued to build on those instead.

Learning this life lesson caused for me to suffer a big blow to my confidence, but in the end, I think it has helped me grow in ways that I can’t really articulate.

You Can’t Decide When You Should Be Forgiven

When you do something wrong, you should say sorry. That’s a simple fact. And you should apologize when you hurt somebody, don’t get me wrong on that. But the thing that is often glossed over is that when we say sorry, we immediately expect someone to accept our apology and forgive us. But that’s not really how life actually pans out.

If you hurt someone’s feelings, you can’t decide when the person should be over it. Even if you are truly sorry and regret what you have done, it’s not up to you to feel that the entire ordeal should be forgiven. You don’t have control over the emotions of others. The only thing you can do in this situation is be respectful of the other person’s feelings and be aware that the world doesn’t move at the pace that you wish it did. I know it’s difficult when you apologize to someone and they don’t forgive you because that goes against everything that we have been taught since we were little. But life doesn’t always perfectly mirror all of the morals that we have ingrained in our minds. My only advice to someone in a similar situation is to remember that action speaks louder than words, so truly show your remorse through your behavior to this person.

You Are Not Entitled to Have Someone’s Love

This seems to be one of the most difficult pills to swallow for some people. When it comes to love, we have been told that true love will always win out in the end. And if you love someone but they haven’t given you that love in return, then you should continue to make them fall for you. But that is definitely not the case.

If someone doesn’t love you back, respect that. Just because you feel that you deserve a fairy tale ending with someone does not mean that they will ever feel the same way. Sometimes people just simply won’t reciprocate your feelings and you can’t get angry with them because of that because you are not entitled to have them be returned.

Does it feel like you are being stabbed in the heart when someone doesn’t love you the way you love them? Yes. But you have to remember that you cannot control someone’s heart. You can’t make them feel something that they cannot. And if you try to convince them into feeling something that they don’t and try to force a relationship, it will only hurt you even more because you are not going to be as happy as you thought you would be. Someone might make you the happiest person on Earth, but that doesn’t mean that you are the person that makes them happy. And that’s the cold, hard truth. But you can maintain a relationship with this person and use this experience as a lesson for the next time you devote your love to someone because you will find your person eventually.

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I know that this post may seem a little dark, but I don’t intend for it to feel that way. These are all important lessons in life, and even if you haven’t experienced these situations before, you can take a lot away from this.

Personally, I have taken away the knowledge that you cannot have complete control over every aspect of your life, no matter how badly you want to be in control. Life has it’s own plans for you. You may not enjoy the paths it takes you down, but you will come from every situation having learned at least something of worth. Your heart is going to be broken. You will have days where you don’t want to get out of bed. And yes, life really does have the nasty habit of kicking you while you’re down. And while everything doesn’t resemble the idea of how situations should pan out in your head, it does give you the opportunity to find other ways to make yourself happy.

And even in the most hopeless moments when life is sucker punching you in the face, remember that you’re lucky. You’re lucky to be alive. You’re lucky to be around people who care for you. You’re lucky that you get to witness the sun set everyday. You’re even lucky that your life gets to have dark moments, because every dark moment will have a light of promise for a better tomorrow to shine on it eventually.

I hope you enjoyed this post! It’s been something that has been stuck on my mind lately and I just had to get this off of my chest. Comment below with your thoughts or even your own opinion of what life’s hardest pills to swallow are. Also, be sure to like and follow for more of my posts! And, as always, stay rad.

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Failure: The Thing our Parents Didn’t Warn Us About

In life, failure is inevitable. As much as I hate to admit it, not everything in life goes as planned. Not every goal that you set will be achieved. Life isn’t something that can be mapped out, no matter how hard you try. 

Parents are supposed to be like this endless fountain of wisdom springing from their own experience. They teach us everything from how to walk to how to change a flat tire. But, there are some things that they don’t quite prepare us for, like failure.

And no, not the type of failure that happens when you totally bomb a test. I’m talking about the gut-wrenching, tear-causing failure that hits you at your most vulnerable spot. The kind of failure that life throws at you when you least expect it. And even our parents, who are our cheerleaders in life, can’t prepare us for that feeling.

In life, failure is inevitable. As much as I hate to admit it, not everything in life goes as planned. Not every goal that you set will be achieved. Life isn’t something that can be mapped out, no matter how hard you try.

And for somebody that is very organized and goal-oriented, this was a tough pill to swallow. I’ve always been the person who has extremely high expectations. I’ve always wanted to be the best and set an example for everyone else. I’ve always wanted to make everyone proud of how much I can achieve. I just wanted to be perfect.

I’m not quite sure where my desire to always succeed at everything spawned from, but I do know that it ruined my mentality in a lot of things. I worked myself to the maximum, I forfeited my sanity, and I stopped doing things for myself out of my desire to make everyone else proud. And when I failed at being the best, it destroyed me.

When things didn’t go to plan, when my life wasn’t on the track that I imagined it would be, I fell apart. I never wanted to fail at anything, and when it happened, I wasn’t sure if I could ever bounce back. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and never wanted to put myself in the place to fail again. I stopped making goals. I stopped trying so hard. I stopped wanting to be more. And that’s the worse thing I could have done.

You know that phrase where when the horse kicks you off, the only thing you can do is climb on again? I should have done that. But instead, I wallowed in self-pity with my tail tucked between my legs. I didn’t want to put myself in the place where I could fail again. And I did that until I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I only stopped when I realized that I’m not that person. I can’t sit back and not try, because it is in my nature to want to do as much as possible. And I definitely was not going to put everything in my life on pause because I failed at one thing.

So, I picked myself up, told myself I was finished crying, and re-evaluated some things. I realized that I have spent so much time trying to make everyone around me proud that I forgot about what I wanted. I was living for everyone else, not for myself. So, I changed that. I sat down, thought about what made me happy, and set goals to focus more on that.

I accepted the fact that life won’t always be picture perfect. Things won’t always go to plan. Life can be hard and you aren’t going to be the brightest person in the room. There will be difficult times in life that even the longest of parent lectures cannot prepare you for. But that’s what makes life great.

If life didn’t have it’s ugly and hard moments, then the other times wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful. I have learned way more from the times when I failed compare to what I would have if I had just breezed through life. And no, my parents, may not have warned me about just how hard life can knock you down, but that’s fine. Sometimes you just have to learn about how to cope with not living up to your expectations on your own.

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I hope you enjoyed this! Its just something that has been on my mind lately and I felt the need to share it. Tell me if you want to see more motivational posts like this in the future! Be sure to leave a comment, like, and follow! And, as always, stay rad.

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The Journey to Confidence

I was so intensely concerned about my outer beauty for so long that I would tear myself down at every chance that I got. And I never even felt somewhat proud of myself until I followed the cliche and searched within myself for things I liked. 

We live in an era where there is beauty everywhere. From nature to city skylines to our friends on Instagram– it’s impossible to escape the glory of how pretty everything is. We are currently in a time where everyone is documenting the beautiful things about their lives and sharing it with others, and that’s amazing. I am a firm believer that we should be unyieldingly grateful for all of the beauty the world has to offer. But, if you’re anything like me, sometimes you have trouble not comparing the beauty of your life to the beauty of others.

There are so many girls that should be models, scenic photos that look straight out of a Sandals commercial, and daily vlogs that could rival movie trailers. And, personally, I want so badly to be part of it. I wish I was like those girls who are perfectly tan and skinny, wearing designer clothes and smiling without a care in the world. I even wish that I was girl who could proudly add a selfie on her Snapchat story just because she felt pretty in it and didn’t mind sharing. I wish I was that girl who just leaks with confidence.

But I’m not. I’m this girl, and I have no confidence at all.

From the time of when I was a little girl in grade school until now, I have always compared my image with others. I was never skinny enough. My hair has never been long enough. My face was not symmetrical enough. And I definitely was not pretty enough. And it’s nothing that anybody did. It’s just I would always want to be like other girls. Like my friends who were always rail thin. Like the girl who was never afraid to go up to the boy she liked. Like my older sister who was the coolest person on the planet.

And that constant stream of comparison ruined my mindset. I didn’t think I was as pretty as other girls, so I told myself they didn’t want to be my friend. I didn’t think I was as smart as my best friend, so I never rose my hand in class. I kept on telling myself that I wasn’t enough of something so that I ended up amounting myself into nothing. 

I would stand in front of the mirror and try to search for things to like about myself, and I couldn’t. I was so intensely concerned about my outer beauty for so long that I would tear myself down at every chance that I got. And I never even felt somewhat proud of myself until I followed the cliche and searched within myself for things I liked.

I discovered that I am smart enough. I pushed myself to be proud that I knew the answers to hard questions. I allowed myself to be happy with my test scores. I stopped comparing myself with others at school and started focusing on beating the goals that I set for myself, and it worked. My confidence in my mind manifested into being confident socially. I started talking to people and learned that I was kind of good at it. I learned that  I am actually a decent public speaker and I can use my skills with writing to make me more entertaining during conversations. I found bits and pieces of myself that I liked.

But the problem lies in the fact that the only things that I like about myself are on the inside. And that shouldn’t be a problem, seeing as we have always been told that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” and “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” But it’s different.

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There is something different about being confident in your character as a person and being confident enough to wear a swimsuit and not want to cry. Both of these types of confidence are extremely important, but when you’re lacking one it can just make you feel empty and ashamed.

I believe that everyone is beautiful and we should all be proud of our skin. But for some reason I struggle so intensely with being positive towards my own body. I always want to hide myself and not be noticed. I worry that people make snide remarks about my appearance when I’m not around. I’ll cry if I look in the mirror for too long.

I hate it. I hate it because I wish that this was an issue that I could fix. I wish that I could smile and not feel the urge to cover it up. I hate that my brain always wants to compare myself with others. I hate that I can’t just wake up and be completely confident in myself.  And I’m trying to fix it, I’m trying to build confidence in myself.

But it’s not an easy solution. Whenever I get compliments, my mind always bites back with the rude thought that someone is just being nice. When a guy flirts with me, I always think that it is some type of joke. It’s hard to build confidence when every step towards it actually pulls you two steps back.

I wish I had a nice conclusion for this post. Maybe a few helpful tips that can build confidence or maybe even a riveting plot twist where some incident in my life made me wake up with more confidence than I could ever imagine. But that’s not the case. I’m still on the long and difficult journey to loving myself, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be fully happy with who I am but at least I’m trying, right?

The only advice for confidence-building that I can give you is if you’re on the battle to be more confident like me, then try to help others on their journey too. Don’t be afraid to tell others that they’re beautiful, or to leave a kind comment on someone’s page. It never hurts to be kind to others. Especially because it’ll make you happier to know that you have the potential to make others smile.

I hope this wasn’t too heavy. This post was more so something that I really felt the urge to get off of my chest. Let’s spread some good vibes and comment below with an aspect of yourself that you’re proud of. Also, be sure to like and follow.And, as always, stay rad. 

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The Inner Battle of Extrovert vs. Introvert

Introverts and extroverts are supposed to be polar opposites. But I have somehow been able to be both. And, to be honest, I don’t mind being both.

Ever since we were little we have been taught about differences of the personality spectrum. We have always been divided into two groups: the introverts and the extroverts. The introverts are the people who enjoy their alone time and are often described as “shy.” Extroverts, on the other hands, are the social butterflies of society. The ones who thrive in large groups of people and hate being left alone. These two different personality types seem to be world’s apart, don’t they? But what happens when someone has a personality that settles somewhere in the middle?

I have spent the last five years of my life trying to answer that question.

Whenever I was little, I was the absolute definition of an introvert. I only had three friends, mostly because they were kind of forced to be my friends because our mothers were friends too. I refused to speak during classes to the point where teachers arranged meetings with my parents to talk about how terribly shy I was. I would get overwhelmed in social situations and would always prefer to cuddle up with a book rather than to go to a birthday party. I was an introvert, and I wasn’t ashamed of it. That is just who I was.

But then as I got older, things changed. I started putting myself out there. I didn’t want to be the wallflower anymore, I wanted to be the tallest sunflower in the whole meadow. So I took chances, joined clubs, and started using my voice. And, truth be told, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being the person that was not afraid to make new friends. I enjoyed being heard. 

I started hanging out with friends more often. I spoke in front of large crowds. I found myself thriving in social situations that I would have went to great lengths to avoid in the past. So, by that logic I should identify as an extrovert now, right?

Wrong. 

Because even though I now find myself aligning more on the extroverted side of the spectrum more than I ever thought I would, I still have a lot of introverted tendencies. I still enjoy staying at home all alone. I still have times where I get overwhelmed with the thought of having to be around a lot of people. Oh, and I definitely still have severe shyness that I have to force myself to overcome almost everyday. So, where does that leave me?

Introverts and extroverts are supposed to be polar opposites. But I have somehow been able to be both. And, to be honest, I don’t mind being both. I like that I am able to hold a conversation with anybody and can spark friendships in the matter of minutes. But I also like that I am more than okay with staying the night in with only a book as my company. I like that I don’t constantly want to feel alone, but I don’t necessarily need to be surrounded by others either. It feels like the perfect balance for me, and that makes me feel more satisfied than I would if I was a full extrovert or a full introvert.

And I feel like I’m not the only person who is like this, I have plenty of friends that can be shy or would rather spend their time alone but they can also be a social butterfly if they need to be. Honestly, personality types don’t stay set in stone for our whole lives. We evolve and mature with age as we learn how to adjust our social lives to benefit us.

So, I’m not just an introvert. Or just an extrovert. I’m just a happy mixture of both and that is more than fine with me. I’m satisfied with being an extroverted introvert.

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I hope that someone relates to this! Surely I cannot be the only extroverted introvert out there. Comment below about your personality type and if you’re happy with it! Also, be sure to like and follow! And as always, stay rad. 

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How to Find Happiness

We deserve to be happy. But it’s easier said then done when the world is in the current state that it is. Happiness can seem so unachievable at times, so how can we be happier? 

Happiness. I’m sure the webster dictionary defines it as a feeling of joy that one may feel, but we often don’t talk about how even though everyone likes to pretend that they are experiencing happiness, it is not as an abundant of a feeling as we are led to believe. No single person is happy at any given moment, I mean, even babies cry and they hardly have any stressors in their lives.

We all strive to be happy, and I think that’s a great thing. We deserve to be happy. But it’s easier said then done when the world is in the current state that it is. Happiness can seem so unachievable at times, so how can we be happier?

It’s not simple. There is not one certain thing that will make every person on Earth instantly happy. Some people feel rejuvenated by self care and some people hate it. I wish that there was a life hack that every person could take part in that would instantly make the world a happier place, but there isn’t one because every person is different.

But there are a few tricks that every person should try so that they could make their days feel a little brighter. I encourage everyone to try at least one of them and see how it feels.

1. Clean Your Living Area

Wow,  I turned into my mother by just typing that. And I know it sounds cliche and like a waste of time, but believe me— this works. Whenever your living area becomes extremely messy and chaotic it can make you feel like your life is messy and chaotic too. Also, if you have anxiety, sometimes you can feel overwhelmed by your surroundings and a great way to not feel like everything is closing in on you is to allow yourself to have more space. So, get up, and organize at least one part of your living area. It might be an annoying process while you’re doing i, but afterwards you will actually feel proud of yourself. Plus, no one can get onto you for having a messy room.

2. Set Goals for Yourself

Now, this one can seem a bit daunting. When people hear the word goal they think of long term things like becoming a billionaire or starting their own company from the ground up. But your goal doesn’t have to be that intense. You can have the goal of finishing a puzzle by the end of the week or, hey, the goal to clean your room! Goals don’t have to be elaborate and life-changing, they just have to be something that you have the urge to want to complete. Setting a goal for yourself can also give your life purpose. If you’re having trouble getting out of bed everyday, you can combat this by waking up and thinking “I’m gonna take one more step to finishing my goal today.” Having a goal, no matter how big or how small, makes your life feel meaningful. And the feeling of happiness when you achieve your goal is indescribable.

3. Cross Something off Your To Do List

Okay, so this might sound like setting a goal, but it’s not. This can be something that you’ve needed to get done but just haven’t had the motivation to do so. It can be washing the dishes or going to see that movie you’ve been wanting to see. Just do something minimal that you’ve been meaning to do and then allow yourself to be proud when you finish it. Not only will it make you feel more efficient, but it will also alleviate some of the stress that you’ve built up by not doing the thing that you’ve wanted to do.

4. Socialize with friends

For me, this is one of the most difficult but rewarding things to do. When I’m having an episode of sadness, I often want to shut in on myself. I won’t want to hang out with a friends and I even have trouble texting them back. And it’s not because I️ don’t want to be around them, personally I believe I have some of the best friends on the planet. It’s just I sometimes hit this mood where I can’t reach out. But after I force myself to find a way to slide into their schedule, I couldn’t be happier. Being around people that love you for you and want to laugh with you is honestly one of the best ways to combat sadness.

5. Get Organized!

I’m aware of how cliche this is. Believe me. But for some people this actually works. Doing things like sorting their clothes by color or purchasing a planner can cause for a person to be really satisfied with their lives. The feeling of being in control of the small things in their lives makes them feel more in control of their bigger struggles. And hey, it never hurts to at least try to organize your life.

6. Compliment Others

This is something that often isn’t talked about when giving advice on how to instill happiness in yourself. I mean, you’re trying to make yourself happy, so why are you complimenting others? Well, I’m a firm believer that smiles are contagious. If you take the time to make someone else smile, then you can’t help but to smile too. Also, what’s the harm in telling someone your honest and kind opinion. If you think a girl has a pretty necklace, tell her! If a guy has some cool hair, tell him! Don’t be afraid to pass out respectful compliments to people, because their smile will make you want to smile.

7. Give Back to the Community

This is my number one method to make myself happy. As I mentioned before, the world can be a dark place. Or so it seems. We see so much focus on the bad that we forget to notice the good. Heck, we forget to be the good. So, if you’re feeling down, find a local charity to contribute to. Help others and dont expect to be rewarded for it. Just contribute to the community and then you will feel happier. Not because you did your good deed for the day, but because you will be able to see firsthand that there is a lot of faith to still be had in humanity.

8. Make Time for Yourself

Sometimes you can stretch yourself too thin. You might have a thousand different obligations and your brand new planner can be already filled to the brim with tasks you have to accomplish for other people. Life can be extremely stressful, especially if you don’t make time for yourself. So the best way to combat this is to find the time to relax. Even if it’s just for five minutes everyday, try to block out a time where you can just breathe and praise yourself for all of the things you’ve accomplished. Because you deserve it.

9. Find a new hobby

Sometimes life can feel like you’re stuck in a rut. You fall into this routine of normalcy that can make you feel a little lackluster when you wake up each day. The things that once brought you joy have became part of your daily motions and you feel yourself losing passion for the the things you used to love. A great way to combat this feeling of being stuck is to add something fresh and exciting to your routine. Taking on a new hobby can rejuvenate your daily routine and make you excited as you go through your day. Whether it be to try your hand at drawing or practicing yoga, find something that you find mentally stimulating. Finding a new hobby can be the trick that you’ve been searching for to relieve your stress.

10. Be a little selfish

I know, this seems odd to have in the same list that recommends you do some community service, but bear with me. Oftentimes, we stretch ourselves too thin. If you’re anything like me, you’re so busy saying “yes” to others that you forget to say “yes” to making yourself a priority. Sometimes we can do so much for others and forget to do anything for ourselves until we feel empty. So, my advice to you is to be a little selfish. Make yourself a priority. And I’m not saying to only do things with your benefit in mind, but instead make choices that you know won’t cause you too much stress. Ask for help if you need it. You don’t have to spend your whole life being the person who does everything for everyone else. You’re allowed to take a step back and say, “Hey. I do a lot for others. I deserve to do something for myself.” Because as soon as you recognize your own need to take care of yourself, then you can start on the path to making yourself happy.

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I know that I said it before, but please keep in mind that there is not a ritual that exists that can instantly make every person happy. Depression cannot be cured via a bubble bath. You can’t achieve life satisfaction by buying a planner. Being happy with the state of your life cannot be accomplished in one day. You have to work towards happiness.

You can find happiness by taking part in some of these things, or even finding your own thing that puts a smile on your face, but it’s a lifelong journey. You’ll face trials in life that’ll make you feel upset. You’ll have times where you want to give up on everything. But keep in mind that without the ugly parts of life, you wouldn’t be able to have the beautiful parts too.

So take care of yourself, do things to make you smile, do things to make other people smile. Because you deserve to be happy.

I hope you enjoyed this post! Leave a comment below about which method you use to lift your mood, I’d love to try it! Also be sure to like and follow if you enjoyed this. And, as always, stay rad. 

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Eternally Single

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes pushing a baby carriage. This is supposed to be the general outline of an adult life. 

But what happens if you can’t even find love?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes pushing a baby carriage. This is supposed to be the general outline of an adult life.

But what happens if you can’t even find love?

No, I’m serious. What if you genuinely seem to be incapable of loving another person in a romantic way? What if you have spent the entirety of your life being single and honestly don’t see that changing anytime soon? What are you supposed to do, invest in cat toys?

And, as a quick disclaimer, I want you to be aware of the fact that this is in no way me making a half-assed ploy to lure someone into loving me. Because I truly don’t know if I am made for love. This is no way a self-depreciating statement, either. I just honestly find myself to be too independent and too unwilling to let myself fall in love when I have other important things to do like build up my resume, maintain my GPA, and prepare for a future where I can be happy and successful. I’m not writing this to have comments saying “don’t worry, love will come your way soon!” or “Don’t be so hard on yourself! Love will come at the time when you least expect it!”

I haven’t expected love in the last nineteen years of my life, and it hasn’t made it’s advances to me. And honestly, I’m happy with not being loved.

There’s something in my brain that just makes me feel this adverse reaction to love. When someone shows genuine affection or attraction to me, I feel repulsed.

Seriously.

Love repulses me. And that’s like the opposite of what I should feel. So. There’s that.

And, no, I’m not saying that there is not a chance that there might be someone to come into my life and change my entire outlook. There is definitely a chance of that happening, and as I have learned from the great philosopher, Justin Bieber, you should “never say never.” But right now I seriously cannot see myself falling in love.

I feel like I’m at the point of my life where there are so many things up in the air. I mean, I am in the first breaths of being an adult, and I quite honestly don’t think I am a balanced enough of a person to be able to prioritize myself as well as a partner. In this certain era of my life, I have some serious questions to answer. I have to figure out what I want to do as a career, where I want to live, and learn how to manage adult things like taxes and health insurance. And don’t even get me started on how much money it takes to provide myself the bare essentials like food and water and wifi. At this point, I am a minimally functioning adult with a lot of learning left to do. I can hardly take care of myself and keep myself happy. How can I provide for a partner too on top of that?

And I know that having someone to love might release some of my stress, but I just genuinely can’t see myself loving someone. Every time I get emotionally close to someone, I feel consumed with this need to push them away. Also, in this day and age, it is increasingly hard to be a virgin in a relationship. Especially if you don’t plan on losing your virginity anytime soon. But that’s a whole other blog post.

I think at this point in time, I am just confused. Love is confusing. Everyone around me seems to be on the prowl for their future husband. Or for their next lay. But either way neither of those things interest me. And I know everyone says that I will find love when I’m ready, but what if I am never ready?

What if love just isn’t for me? What happens then? Am I destined to live a life that is akin to every Tina Fey movie ever where everyone around me thrives and finds love and I funnel my entire life into my job because it is my only sense of purpose? Seriously, what happens?

Society acts like a woman’s only purpose is to fall in love and have children. But what about the women that are happier being single? Do I have no purpose anymore?

I wish I could find the answers to my questions. But it’s not like you can just go online and say “Hey Google, I am a coldhearted idiot who seems to be incapable of loving. Fix me!”

So, that’s why I’m writing this. Is there anyone else who is eternally single too? Did someone think that they were destined to be single forever but then their soulmate came in and changed everything? Should I try to force myself into dating even though I hate it?

Seriously, what am I supposed to do?

Woes of a Child Prodigy

They told me I was smart, they told me that I was destined for greatness. All because I bubbled in correct answers on a standardized test. I understand that she said those things to motivate me, to push me onto the correct path. But all she really did was put an obscene amount of stress on a child’s shoulders. My teachers, family, and classmates looked at me like I was ‘advanced,’ and I believed it. I took every word that she said to heart and tried to be the prodigy that she painted me out to be.

But what she forgot to forewarn me of is that every human inevitably has to fail.

When I was six years old, I was pulled out of my math class and was told that I was ‘special.’

They talked about my subpar test scores, and for the first time in my life I had the mentality that I was supposed to be perfect drilled in my head. My teacher spoke to me in words that were too large for my young self to fully understand, but I walked out of her small office with an entirely new outlook on life.

They told me I was smart, they told me that I was destined for greatness. All because I bubbled in correct answers on a standardized test. I understand that she said those things to motivate me, to push me onto the correct path. But all she really did was put an obscene amount of stress on a child’s shoulders. My teachers, family, and classmates looked at me like I was ‘advanced,’ and I believed it. I took every word that she said to heart and tried to be the prodigy that she painted me out to be.

But what she forgot to forewarn me of is that every human inevitably has to fail.

Everybody screws up, that is just part of life. But when you are told from a very young age that you are special and above average, failure simply does not seem like an option for you. Any grade that is not a hundred makes you feel like you should be doing more. Any question that you might have should be left unsaid because it is expected of you to understand everything at a faster rate than everyone else. This mentality of expecting for yourself to be better than you actually are makes you spiral quickly into failure.

And when you fail, it feels like you are doing more than just failing yourself. You feel like you have let down your parents, your teachers, and your peers. It’s a harsh fall from superiority to realizing that nothing about you makes you any more special than anybody else. And while it does help you gain perspective about life that every person has something that makes them special in some way, it can still hurt you greatly.

The transition from knowing that you are something special to realizing that you are nothing has caused for an increased spike in teenage depression in the past few years. This flawed system of dividing kids at a young age due to their academic performance has created an environment that builds stress for children on both sides of the spectrum.

Why was there never a lesson where the teacher explained that every person has the capability to be extraordinary, and that academics is not the most important aspect of one’s personality? When will we not feel confined to the labels we were given at a young age?

Being a child prodigy was not easy, especially now that I am an average student at best. But being on the opposite side of the spectrum was not easy for those students either. I get aggravated with myself for not living up to everyone else’s expectations, but I know on the other side that the ones who were labelled as below-average are proud of themselves for not confining themselves to the expectations they had years ago.

I believe that this means that, overall, we should not define ourselves to others expectations. Part of growing up is realizing that you’re going to mess up, but also that sometimes you will succeed. How you performed on a standardized test in first grade does not define the person that you are now, and it shouldn’t.

The only thing that should define who you are is yourself.